I spent the night after breast cancer surgery (a double mastectomy with reconstruction) in the hospital while the anesthesia and medications moved out of my system.

The next morning I woke up and realized I could barely lift my arms. No one had prepared me for that. I hadn’t understood how much removing all of the breast tissue and placing implants would affect my body.

The hospital physiotherapist came in to my room that morning, handed me a brochure with the exercises that I should do to regain mobility, and told me that I’d probably be able to lift my arms fully overhead in 6 to 8 weeks.

What, are you kidding??

It was mid-December, and I had already told my yoga students that I would be taking a few weeks off over the Christmas holidays, longer than usual because I knew I would be healing. But as a self-employed health practitioner without sick or vacation days, I wasn’t earning money unless I was teaching. The idea of being out of commission for two months felt overwhelming.

So I went home and began the work of healing.

Physically, I began with the physio’s exercises, but after a few days I got bored and went back to yoga.

That didn’t mean jumping back into full practice. It meant mindfully moving into poses and meeting my edge. If I couldn’t go fully into a posture, I stayed where I could, took a few deep breaths, and slowly released. Every day I practiced like that, sometimes twice a day. Every day my edge shifted. I could do a little more each time I stepped onto my mat.

Within three weeks, I felt strong and back to my body again. Strong enough for planks and low planks, what most people would call push-ups. I was careful. I modified with my knees down so I wasn’t placing too much weight through my chest and arms. I never pushed into pain, only into sensation. Only into stretch.

Emotionally, though, I was still afraid.

Even though the doctor’s said they had removed all of the cancer, I was scared of dying. Scared of leaving my son and my husband.

So I gave myself lots of reiki, and meditated more than I ever had before. Basically, I began to love myself in a way I never had.

For the first time, healing was not about preventing something. It was about being in relationship with myself.

A few weeks after surgery, I met with the oncologist. Based on the type of cancer I had been diagnosed with, he recommended a course of additional treatment, including chemotherapy and other medications.

Yoga had taught me to listen to my body. When I turned inward and truly listened, the answer that arose was clear: no.

I did some research and looked at the statistics, as well as trusted my intuition. My decision may not have been the right one for someone else in similar circumstances. But for me, it was aligned.

I chose to trust myself.

I chose to lean on the tools that I knew would support my body and spirit: yoga, reiki, organic home-grown food, and deep, intentional self-love.